Do I need to heal before dating again? When is the right time to start dating again after a relationship? Is the answer different if one is deciding whether they are ready to date or whether they are ready to get into a relationship again? These are not simple questions to answer, nor are they the same for each one of us.
For me, there are five essential questions to answer before dating again.
- Have I gained enough awareness and understanding about the internal and external obstacles/challenges I brought to my previous relationship and taken steps to shift those patterns, even if I have not completely changed them yet?
- Does my frustration, anger, resentment, bitterness, pain, sadness, or grief towards my previous partner/the breakup still feel alive and active on a daily basis in my thoughts, emotions, and body?
- Has there been enough time and space to genuinely connect and discover a new person without comparing everything they say and do to my previous partner?
- Am I secretly wishing that whether it be in six months, two years, or ten years, my previous partner will do/say ___________, so we can get back together again, and I will be happy?
- Lastly, what is my primary motivation for wanting to begin dating again? What am I actually looking for, as opposed to what I think or other people tell me “is good for me”?
As stated several times in the article below, we never “completely” heal from relationships or any other past wounds and/or trauma. However, we do heal enough to embrace new opportunities for love, companionship, and deep, intimate connection. Our fear of getting hurt again can create conscious and unconscious barriers to forming loving and trusting relationships again. This is one of the reasons that I have listed this first:
Have I gained enough awareness and understanding about the internal and external obstacles/challenges I brought to my previous relationship(s) and taken steps to shift those patterns, even if I have not completely changed them yet?
If you are considering dating, I invite you to explore these two pieces red flags in relationships and green flags in relationships.
Dating can be fun, scary, exciting, and challenging. What question is most essential for me to address before dating again?
Trauma Is Not Your Fault, But Healing Is Your Responsibility
Do I Need to Heal Before Dating Again?
CARL’S STORY
They were barely a year into their marriage when Carl and Jessica (not their real names) contemplated getting a divorce. Carl wondered where he went wrong. He looked back over the last several years, remembering the devastating demise of his first marriage and how he met Jessica soon after. She was divorced too, and they found comfort (and distraction) in each other. Now, he wonders if he moved on too soon and if he ever properly healed from his last relationship before diving into the next.
He asks the critical question: “Do you have to heal completely before you can start a new relationship?”
GRIEF AND HEALING
First, let’s go deeper into the question. What do we mean by healing? Does anyone ever “completely” heal? How can you know when you are ready to start again?
Grief is a constellation of emotions you experience when you lose someone with whom you had emotional attachments. The feelings you have when grieving are normal, but most of the time, they are unpleasant. People tend to want them to go away. What you need to realize though is that these feelings have a purpose. Sadness helps you to step away from others and to look inward. It gives you time to assess yourself and come to terms with your own failures and mistakes. It gives you time to think about the future you want and to slowly take steps forward.
There are other feelings when you grieve. Anger is a powerful emotion that helps you make changes, but it often becomes a source of bonding that can cause problems. Grieving people can join with one another in a relationship based on their anger at their ex-partners and quickly bond over that commonality. These relationships can grow fast and feel very powerful, but they need much more than shared anger as a basis.
William Worden in his book “Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy” discusses recovery as a four-step process. First, you must accept the reality of the loss and begin to see the opportunities for a new future. Second, you need to feel the feelings of loss. This is the step most avoided but it’s necessary. Third, you must adjust to the realities of life without the other. The fourth step is letting go of the lost partner and finding new, meaningful relationships. These new relationships might be romantic or they might be something else.
FINAL THOUGHT
How long does it take? People try to put a time frame on this process, but it’s hard to measure things that way. You may never feel “completely healed.” If you wait for that, you may never move forward. How do you know you are healed enough? When are you really ready? When the feelings of sadness and loss begin to lift when you are alone with your thoughts, and your imagination starts accepting thoughts of a brighter future… you are starting to get there.
View the original article on The Gottman Institute website.
The healing process is unique for everyone, and healing is not linear. The internal and external work necessary before dating again is also unique and specific to you. The balance between taking risks and protecting ourselves can be tricky, especially for those of us who have experienced severe and/or multiple trauma. I firmly support discerning when and if it is time to date again, as long as fear is not the primary motivation keeping us from allowing connection, companionship, joy, sex, and love into our lives!
Michael Swerdloff
Providence Holistic Counselor, Coach and Reiki
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