Rules For Fair Fighting In Relationships

Rules for fair fighting. It sounds like an oxymoron. If you take a minute to reflect, most of us suck when it comes to arguing and fighting with the people we love. I was not talking about your partner, I’m talking about you. Me too. Of all the things that we are taught by our families, friends, schools, and culture, it is rare that children are well-trained in how to manage conflict in a meaningful and productive way.  Let’s explore one of the many sets of rules for fair fighting in relationships together.

Rules For Fair Fighting – A List of Rules

• Decide on a time limit and stick to it – no more than 30 minutes.
• Decide how many hurtful remarks you will allow before you walk out.
• Choose one problem per session.
• Stay in the present – avoid bringing up old history.
• Stick to the point, and don’t get carried away.
• Avoid blaming your partner for your feelings; they are YOUR feelings.
• Listen to the other person and really hear their point of view.
• Agree on a solution that works for both of you.
• Try not to argue at night or in bed.
• Don’t save up issues – things that are thought but not expressed will only come back to haunt you.
• There are no “winners” in a fight. Everybody loses.

The list of rules for fair fighting above came from the Michigan State University Extension website.  Many other lists are available on the Internet of rules for fair fighting in relationships. This one seems simple and clear. The only addition that I made was the 11th, “There are no winners in a fight. Everybody loses.”

Rules For Fair Fighting –  Don’t Save Up Issues

When we are afraid to share our fears, resentments, jealousies, sorrows, confusion and anger, it builds up. What was a simple resentment three weeks ago can develop into anger, if not rage, when kept to ourselves. If we have a few simple resentments that we are holding on to, when finally expressed they will come out in a way that will be hurtful and probably not heard. The message will get lost by the messenger’s delivery method. The person receiving your message will probably feel the need to defend themselves, if not respond with anger. This is rarely productive. This also makes it hard to choose one problem at a time, another one of the basic rules for fair fighting in relationships.

When we try to navigate through several issues all at the same time, things become complicated and overwhelming. We can forget what we are actually fighting about, since there are so many concerns being discussed. Stick to one issue and do your best to resolve it. The more issues on the table, the easier it is for communication and emotions to get tangled and twisted. Similarly, “stacking the deck” by listing all the “evidence” you have to prove how wrong or bad your partner is, is not an effective strategy nor fair. I want to remind you that the goal is to resolve the conflict, not beat them into submission. Which brings us to another important rule for fair fighting.

Rules For Fair Fighting – There Is No Winner

Somewhere along the way, most of us have been trained and programmed to believe that the goal of an argument or fight is to win. There is no winner. Everybody loses! I repeat, there is no winner. Everybody loses.

Sometimes I think this is the most important rule for fair fighting. Until we commit to resolving conflicts and letting go of trying to win, little or no progress will be made. When both parties are actively engaged in proving their points to win the argument, the conflict no longer is about issues, it is about winning.

If you take a minute and reflect on arguments throughout your life that you have “won”, did you actually feel better afterwards or the next day? Was there more joy, happiness and connection? Did you make passionate love immediately after the fight? Did both of you wake the following morning feeling satisfied and peaceful? Of course not. Was the real issue resolved?

Rules For Fighting – Stay In The Present

I think of all the rules of fair fighting, this may be the one that destroys the most relationships. If someone has genuinely accepted responsibility for an action of the past and is working towards developing better skills and/or decision-making, it’s time to move on. We do not need to keep punishing others for actions from our past. There are a few exceptions. Some examples are rape, physical violence, kidnapping, child molestation, long-term cheating of several years and significant theft. These situations take longer to rebuild trust and safety. Please do not confuse these with regular daily choices like forgetting to take out the recycling, cleaning the dishes or properly folding the laundry. Remember that the goal is not to win the argument, it is to resolve the conflict. It is cliché but we cannot change the past. We can however work on the present to create a better future. When a couple decides to work on their present relationship, beautiful things can happen. The collective energy around “together action” can be inspiring and bonding. It can be fun to work together on improving your present situation.

Many years ago I was in a relationship with a woman who had very sensitive olfactory glands. She could smell everything and anything. She asked me one day if I would be willing to brush my teeth more than just morning and before bed. My first reaction was to get defensive at the thought of me having bad breath. I quickly agreed and went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth:) Over the next few weeks it became a game of ours to playfully compete over who had brush their teeth more times that day. The fun part was that we both “won” no matter who had brushed their teeth more times! She was so excited that I had heard her request and honored it. She responded by keeping the bedroom cleaner without me asking. It was not long before we started kissing more often and intimately. This of course led to more frequent and passionate lovemaking. Like I said, we both won! The key was to stay in the present, work on the present together and enjoy experiencing each other’s commitment. We had to let go of our ego and need to win.

I would like to add another suggestion to the rules for fair fighting in relationships. Using words like “always” and “never” are rarely effective or truthful. I encourage you to use accurate and clear communication that is honest and respectful. Words like “always” and “never” are strategies for winning, not resolution.

Here are other good lists of rules for fair fighting: 16 Rules for Conflict Resolution (Fighting Fair) from Arizona State University. From Your Vibrant Family 10 Ground Rules for Fighting Fair. I love the name of this list, so it gets to join the party: 11 Rules of Fair Fighting – Taming the Incredible Hulk. I do not endorse any of the authors, since I do not know any of them. I just wanted to offer you more options.

I hope the rules for fair fighting are helpful to you. Are there any other rules for fair fighting in relationships that you think other readers will benefit from?

Michael Swerdloff

Providence Holistic Counseling Services

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