We all know every relationship is unique. We also know that most relationships have many similar characteristics. As a Relationship Coach and Couples Counselor, I smiled when I read 6 Things Your Couples Therapist Already Knows About Your Relationship by Abby Rodman, LICSW, on Huffington Post. Truly, there are things your couples counselor already knows about your relationship. I included an excerpt and their list from the original article, but you will need to read the article for Abby Rodman’s particular take on couples counseling.  I would also like to add to the list, The Relationship Blame Game.

There is a moment early in the couples counseling experience that sounds like two siblings, each blaming the other for spilling milk on the living room carpet to their mother. I can almost visualize in my head an image of them pointing to the other person as if to say, “They did it, not me”. This is what I call the relationship blame game. I have worked with enough couples to know that both parties are probably equally responsible for their current situation. I am also aware that blaming somebody else is easier than looking at ourselves in the mirror and saying, “I have made mistakes, and I need to do better if our relationship is to grow and prosper”.

Things Your Couples Counselor Already Knows About Your Relationship – You’re Scared

Another thing your couples counselor already knows about your relationship is that you are scared. Fear of losing your partner can be very stressful. We know you are scared; we know that a significant part of your anger, blame, and need for distance are a direct result of the pain and fear you are experiencing.

Still, another thing your couples counselor already knows about your relationship is that your trust in yourself and each other has been challenged. When we experience enough pain and fear in a relationship, trust begins to erode. At this point, many people, without even knowing, begin to create “evidence” that their partner should not be trusted. It is fascinating and extraordinary how our minds, when experiencing high levels of pain and fear, can twist, turn, and interpret our partner’s words and actions into “proof” of whatever it is that we are having trouble trusting in them. This applies whether we are talking about dishonesty, rage, control, oppression, lack of affection, inattentiveness, betrayal, rejection, boredom, insensitivity, or any of the other host of possible actions that can threaten the trust in our partner and lover. In many cases, repairing the trust is more important than whatever the presenting problem(s) the couple identifies as what is wrong with their relationship.

Things Your Couples Counselor Already Knows About Your Relationship – Trust

Rebuilding trust in the relationship is paramount. This takes honesty, courage, and a willingness to risk being hurt again to go forward. At this time, a skilled and experienced couples counselor can safely guide you towards regaining trust in each other and yourself. Supporting a couple and rebuilding trust is one of my favorite and most honored aspects of being a couples counselor. It is not a role I take lightly; I don’t think any experienced couples counselor does. One of the methods that are very successful in breaking down some barriers is to help interpret and translate how anger, control, distance, and harsh criticism often are ways of protecting ourselves from rejection, loneliness, fear, distrust, isolation, confusion, being hurt, or disappointment. Shedding light on these experiences can produce compassion, empathy, warmth, caring, love, and support. I think you can see how this can create a bridge when a couple feels distant.

6 Things Your Couples Therapist Already Knows About Your Relationship by Abby Rodman, LICSW on Huffington Post

“It’s said you can’t kid a kidder. But you’d also have to reach a pretty high bar to fool a couples counselor. We’ve pretty much seen it all. Fortunately for us, we don’t have to reinvent the therapy wheel every time we meet a new couple. There are some pretty standard issues in relationships we’re on the lookout for and most couples will show up in therapy with one or more of them. Just like your plumber has seen the likes of your leaky faucet many times over, so it goes for the couples therapist. And, like your plumber, we’re pretty sure we know where the leaks are coming from.

1. We know the buzz-phrases.

2. We know you’re having an affair.

3. We know the marriage is the problem.

4. We know there isn’t one bad guy.

5. We know you’re like your parents.

6. We know dysfunction.”

 

I would like to hear your thoughts and reactions on things your couples counselor already knows about your relationship. Is it presumptuous? Does it feel true?

Other posts you may enjoy:

Doubt

Stop Stalking and Start Talking

Why You Don’t Have To Be Right All The Time

Number One Reason Most Relationships Struggle

Listening as an Art and Skill to Improving Relationships

Does Kindness Make You More Attractive? Research Says Yes

Michael Swerdloff

Providence Holistic Counselor, Coach and Reiki