Learning To Meditate

Learning to meditate is hard. This is my experience with learning to meditate. I was coming up on six months clean and sober. My sponsor's sponsor, which I jokingly used to call my grandsponsor, was coming up on 40 years sober. I used to enjoy talking with old Bill often. He was kind, respectful, direct and openhearted. These were all qualities that I had desired, but did not know how to express them myself, or know many people who did for that matter. So I used to like to talk with him whenever possible. He was one of the few people I trusted even a little. One night after a meeting, Bill came over and sat next to me. He smiled that soft, gentle smile that typically held me feel safe, if only momentary. On that particular Friday night, I was not able to tap in to his smile in order to shift the sadness, desperation and frustration I was experiencing. Bill noticed this immediately. He leaned over, put his right hand on my left elbow, "How are you doing young man?". Bill was old enough that he forgot pretty much everyone's name, and we were all either Young Man or Young Woman, regardless of age or any other identifying factors. I let out a deep sigh, and felt my belly clinch, "I'm not doing so good Bill. I'm going to meetings, I talk to my sponsor, I hang out with all recovering friends, I pray every night before I go to bed every morning when I wake up and I still feel miserable. I feel like it's never going to get better for me and there's nothing I can do about." ...