Men That Try Too Hard

Men get a bad rap. If the only thing you knew about men in America came from watching TV, movies and listening to music, you would think all of us are angry, violent, lazy men hanging out on the couch watching sports and playing video games all day. It is absolutely true that a chunk of the American male population fits this description, but not all of us.  Generally speaking, men that try too hard are rarely in the news or make headlines, we are doing what we do with humility and anonymity.

Voices of Men That Try Too Hard

The voices of men that try too hard are often not even known among their friends and family members. Different than women who try too hard, men that try too hard do not share their burdens or commitments with each other. We all know how much women, especially mothers, do in their day. We know this because it is the thing they often speak about most often. This is even more true for white American women. This particular population typically begins their conversations when asked “How are you doing?”, they respond with a list of tasks completed and uncompleted in their day. It does not matter if we are talking about a 17-year-old high school girl, a single mother of three, the wife of a CEO or a full-time lawyer, they will always share openly what they’ve done and have to do to make it through the day. For the most part, men don’t do this. Men would rather go about their business without sharing with anyone how much they’ve done and have to do. We just do it. I am not trying to compare how much a man or woman completes in a day, it would be foolish to assume that anyone really knows what another person accomplishes unless they have walked in their shoes.

I’ve had the opportunity to work with several men recently who fit into the group of men who tried too hard. These men go through their lives continuously disappointed in themselves, because they think they should be able to do more. Unfortunately, they typically do not account for how much they do accomplish, only what they do not. They struggle with their self-esteem having a hard time feeling equal to other men or women. We all know the kind of man I am speaking about and the challenges he endures. I think it is time for us to begin to recognize these men.

Who are Men That Try Too Hard?

Men who try too hard usually work full-time jobs, attentive present fathers, loyal husbands and in many households, do more than their share of cooking, cleaning and household chores. In the last 50 years we’ve started to do a better job of acknowledging how taxing life as a full-time homemaker can be, we still have a way to go but at least we are beginning to recognize that those who do not collect a paycheck are incredibly valuable to our families and communities. Since historically, full-time homemakers are predominantly women, men have been left out of the conversation. In fact, men that are full-time homemakers or even part-time homemakers are often laughed at and the target of jokes.

Men who try too hard are made fun of by many of their peers, coworkers and community. It is almost as if the tables have turned, instead of making fun and minimizing the value of women in their households, know men who try too hard are not taken seriously or given credit they deserve. Why does it seem necessary for Americans to belittle or diminish others to feel good about themselves? Isn’t it time we value the effort and commitment of men and women who support their families and communities tirelessly?

Men who try too hard are often ashamed by their accomplishments because deep down they think they are actually not doing enough. This is often supported by family and extended family members. For the last couple of decades, many of us were concerned that our efforts to support and strengthen girls and women may have a consequence on men and boys. This does not mean that we made a mistake, just we are seeing evidence of the effects on men and boys.

TV Shows Absent of Men That Try Too Hard

TV shows and commercials often present men as clueless, bumbling idiots. Of course, many men and women are clueless. They show men in a foolish manner trying to carry out tasks that are foreign to them. When demonstrated in this context, it appears as if men are not competent, but what is not mentioned is if you trade places with the women in their home’s, women who are untrained for the particular skills and tasks necessary to complete the job that the man goes to 40 or 50 hours a week, she will fail miserably as well. This is not a knock on the man or the woman, it is just speaking to the fact that illustrating somebody trying to do a task that they have never done before is rarely an effective method of assessing the skills, talent or experiences of anybody.

For example, let’s pretend my partner was a civil engineer and she has been successful in her career for 20 years, I am not equipped nor qualified to show up at her job on Monday and be successful. Using this example, someone who has to take a child toy school in the morning will be just as unqualified as I would, if I had to show up for work as a civil engineer with no training or experience. The problem is not that men are not capable or incompetent, conversations need to be focused on experience with particular tasks and skills. Men who try too hard carry the burden of thinking they are failures and a disappointment to the important people in their lives. We need to support men who try too hard and encourage them to acknowledge their value and success at home, work and life.

What Can We Do for Men That Try Too Hard

There have been many discussions about inequalities in recent years, it is time we let men who try too hard to know how much we value them and their importance to their families and communities. For us to be successful collectively, we need all of our hard-working, committed men and women to continue to go above and beyond. I invite you to let the women and men who try too hard in your lives know how much you appreciate and value them. Let them know they do not have to try so hard and can just be themselves, that being themselves is enough!

 

Why “Trying Too Hard” in Sports (or Life) Can Sabotage Your Success

The Way of The Superior Man by David Deida

 

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Michael Swerdloff

Providence Holistic Counseling Services

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