Do Feelings Matter? Refections on Feelings in Our Lives
I was recently reading an article in Psychology Today, Life Lessons: 16 Truths to Embrace Now. Providence Holistic Counseling Services is listed in Psychology Today, so I receive a print copy monthly. I rarely read the articles because they feel like typical pop culture, sensationalistic headlines with not a lot of solid content. I also find that the cover is typically an image of a young, white, attractive, thin female Photoshopped to look seductive with thick lipstick covering parted lips. An embarrassment to the industry. Every now and then, I am wrong and they dig a little deeper. The ideas of the various writers who contributed to this article are helpful and well written. One of them referenced how the current generation of young adults place a great preference on what they feel and their emotions. This got me thinking. The question that came to mind is, “Do feelings matter?”
Do Feelings Matter? – How Much?
Of course feelings matter! The deeper question for me is how much do feelings matter? Or, how many of the emotions or feelings matter experienced throughout our day? Do all of our feelings matter? Do only the very intense feelings matter? I imagine there are some folks out there who wonder if any feelings matter? Let’s explore if and how much feelings matter.
Do Feelings Matter? – Fear and Worry
Let’s start with the question, do all feelings matter? I do not have to reflect very long for it to be clear to me that not all feelings matter. If I gave every feeling of fear, worry and anxiousness energy and attention in my life, I do not think I would have time to do anything else. It may be helpful to distinguish that there is a difference between fear and worry, and caution and concern. Caution is necessary and a primal instinct alerting us to pay attention to the safety of those around us and our self. Caution is helpful and instructive. Concern is also helpful and instructive. Concern can help us identify what is important to us and what is not. In my experience, caution and concern are feelings that matter. But what about worry? What value does worry have? How is worry productive? You can discern on your own if worry qualifies as a feeling that matters in our life.
Do Feelings Matter? – Positive and Negative Feelings
Do positive feelings matter more than negative feelings? Do negative feelings matter more than positive feelings? I think that depends on who you ask. There is a segment of the new age and self-help community that not only think positive feelings matter more than negative feelings, they believe that only positive feelings matter. From their perspective, we should not spend any time or energy focusing on negative feelings and emotions. There is also a segment of the psychological and sociological community that believe focusing on negative feelings matter more than positive feelings. They believe we learn more about ourselves through our negative thoughts and feelings so that we can grow and change what we don’t like about ourselves or is not productive. Like most concepts in life, I stand somewhere in the middle. There is a third group who views thoughts and feelings as neither positive or negative, they are just feelings. They do not attach a value on emotions and thoughts based on our preference or interpretation. There are many other perspectives on thoughts, feelings and emotions but I wanted to include these three.
Do Feelings Matter? – Jealousy is it Real?
My sense is that we experience thoughts, feelings and emotions in all different shapes, forms and intensity levels. Positive feelings matter because we need joy, peace and fun to balance some of the emotions that we do not enjoy as much. Our negative feelings matter as productive and important tools for us to learn about who we are, create more harmonious relationships and align with our Higher Self.
If feelings matter, how much do they matter? There are those who believe that what we feel is always true and we should trust what we feel. I would challenge this line of thinking. Let’s take the feeling of jealousy. Is every time we feel jealous correct? Have you ever felt jealousy towards a partner based on assumptions or interpretations that turned out to be incorrect? Some people feel jealous any time their partner is talking to someone attractive. For these people, it does not matter if their partner has ever done anything to betray their trust in terms of cheating or lying. I had an ex-girlfriend who shared with me early on in dating that she experiences jealousy with every man she has ever dated. She expressed that she is working on her root causes of jealousy, but in the meantime she wanted me to know that when I would be talking with an attractive woman, she will feel jealous. I had never given her any reason to doubt my commitment or loyalty to her.
Do Feelings Matter? – Context is Essential
One night I was the DJ at a conscious, freestyle dance in Manhattan. There was a man about 15-20 years older than her that she was dancing with and they were having fun. After a few songs she had looked over at me to see if I was okay with what she was doing, which I was. She continued to dance with him. At one point he somewhat casually kissed her on the cheek knowing that she was there with me. She stepped back from him a bit but did not react very strongly. They danced till the end of that song and then she came up to visit with me. She was looking to me for assurance that she didn’t do anything wrong and that we were okay. I offered her support and let her know that I was only a bit jealous, but more than anything I was turned on by seeing her having so much fun as an observer. She smiled.
On our ride home she wanted to process her experience with me. After about 15-20 minutes, I asked her how she would have responded if the situation was reversed. She became nervous and her whole body and face tightened. She took my hand, “I would’ve been really nervous and furious with you”. She shared that she was very embarrassed by how different our responses. I smiled, laughed and acknowledged our differences and that I was okay with this for now. I was clear that at some point there would need to be a more balanced response that reflects our relationship and the trust created together. She agreed. The reason I am sharing this experience is to illustrate that the feeling of jealousy may or may not have anything to do with the other person’s actions, thoughts or history. In this example, the fear of betrayal or rejection that created jealousy had nothing to do with reality. The feeling of jealousy was not the truth or accurate. This raises the question of how much do feelings matter and are they even real?
Do Feelings Matter? Being Human
Feelings matter. There is no way around. Our feelings matter, but what force and direction they command in our lives determines how feelings matter. If we are crushed due to the force of our thoughts, feelings and emotions, balance is needed. If we are cold, distant and disconnected from ourselves and everybody around us, balance is needed. I can’t imagine what life would be like if feelings didn’t matter. I also cannot imagine what life would be like if every thought, feeling and emotion were at the front and center of my mind. We need to experience our feelings and emotions. Feelings are part of being human. Why would we want it any other way?
Speaking from my own personal experience, I want to feel the joy and pain of life, and everything on the continuum between the two. There are those who believe that if we cut out all the feelings that we identify as negative, we will also mute the feelings we identify as positive. Feelings matter and balance is the key.
Do Feelings Matter? – Comfort is Overrated
Here is an expert from Life Lessons: 16 Truths to Embrace Now. This was the piece that inspired me to explore the topic of if feelings matter and ow much:
“Comfort Is Overrated Prioritizing feelings can foreclose major accomplishments.” by Jean Twenge
Not long ago, I asked a graduate teaching assistant to give a guest lecture. “But I’m not comfortable talking in front of that many people,” she said.
At first, I was flabbergasted. What was she doing in a program that often leads to a teaching job? Then I remembered: She is part of a generation reared to believe that feelings are paramount and that life requires trigger warnings.
Like many things, these ideas grew from good intentions—combating prejudice. But they came to mean that no one should ever feel uncomfortable.
This is a counterproductive, even dangerous, notion. We cannot be protected from every risk and challenge. If we were, we’d never learn anything. The best way to get comfortable—and good—at something is to do it, even in the presence of severe phobias. Research shows that immediate exposure to a feared experience is the best treatment.
As a graduate student, I was devastated when my papers were rejected by academic journals. It seemed like a condemnation of my choice of a profession. I thought it wouldn’t happen once I’d “made it.” I’ve now published more than 120 papers, and most still get rejected on the first try. I’m no longer devastated by rejections—but I am not comfortable when they arrive. Nor was I comfortable writing my first book. It was a struggle.
But if my papers sailed through the review process, they would be worse. If I had decided to quit while writing the book, or not start it at all, I would have been more comfortable in the moment—but missed the opportunities it opened.
If you are comfortable, you are not learning. Feeling uncomfortable is not a reason to reject an opportunity. It’s a reason to embrace it.”
Do Feelings matter? What is your experience and how much do feelings matter?
Other posts you may enjoy:
It’s Never Too Late To Be Amazing
10 Signs You’ve Found Your Calling
Sex Makes You Beautiful and Healthier
Spiritual Change: Tie Your Shoes Different
25 Signs You’re Succeeding At Life (Even if it doesn’t feel like it)
Michael Swerdloff
Providence Holistic Counseling Services
Do Feelings Matters?-
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