22 results for tag: Love

You Can’t Change Anyone — You Can Only Make Them Think

We can't change anyone who doesn't want or isn't ready to change. While I was still doing drugs and drinking alcohol, many people wanted me to change. They needed me to change. When I got sober in 1989, I often heard a woman named Claire share, "I didn't see the light. My ass was dragging, and I felt the heat"! This was me. The walls were closing in, and I felt like I had no options. I know that I am not alone in this experience of people wanting or needing someone to change, but they weren't ready or willing. More than twenty-five years of being a social worker, counselor, and coach have demonstrated how we can't change anyone who isn't invested in change. But... we can inspire them. We can offer them a new perspective. We can provide safety, support, and love....

Fight Languages: How we Argue Is Key to Healthy Relationships

For those of you that have been reading my posts for a while, you are aware of The Rules For Fair Fighting in Relationships. Many of you know the Five Love Languages Gary Chapman, Ph.D. introduced. If not, you can learn about them easily here What are the 5 love languages? Fight Languages having a name is new to me. I understood the principles but did not have a term to express them. How we fight with our partner(s), friends, family, and neighbors often defines the nature of our relationships. Understanding how your partner or friends/family argue is essential to creating thoughtful, loving resolutions, trust, and safety....

As Friendships Grow Closer – Jeff Brown

I have been reflecting on this Jeff Brown quote on friendships lately. We tend to focus our efforts towards relationships on our romantic/intimate partnerships and family. But what about friendships? What if we carried the same intention and effort with our main friendships, or, "friendship pods"? I am incredibly grateful for my core group of friends, and how impactful our love, support and collective commitment, is and has been in my life, especially during the height of the pandemic. I am inspired continuously by the willingness of us as individuals and as a group to walk towards challenges, not away.     "As friendships ...

Stop Trying To Fix Me – I Am Not Broken

I am not broken. As often is the case when we try to "fix" somebody, we inadvertently tell them we think they are broken. Why would something need to be "fixed" if it is not broken? This poem by Jeff Foster is a beautiful Illustration of a person who  has the strength and courage to say, "I am not broken!". I am not lost cat with a broken leg, a muffler or a hot water heater. I am a human being that deserves respect, care, affection and attention. I am not broken. It is not your job to fix me, nor is it wanted or helpful. Love me instead....

Reflections on Compassion

"Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity." Pema Chödrön   "Compassion, however, is a renewable resource. When you are able to feel empathy but then extend a hand to alleviate someone’s pain, you are less likely to burn out. Research indicates that compassion and empathy use different regions of the brain and that compassion can combat empathetic distress. It is also important to remember that oftentimes, the smallest ...

Why Connection Matters

Connection matters. It is easy to forget how important connecting with others is, but connection matters. Having a sense of belonging and acceptance can be essential to our sense of self, safety, and trust. I generally do not publish posts this long, but it felt like all three excerpts helped create a full picture of why connection matters.  I would like to add one element to the discussion of why connection matters.

This is similar to when people use the inaccurate phrase, "You can't love anybody else unless you love yourself first."  My experience has demonstrated that we can't know ourselves without being connected to others to reflect who we really are, not who we want to believe we are, so we feel better about ourselves. I know deep inside that I am a thoughtful, compassionate, and caring human being because those character traits are expressed easily and organically when I am connected with other humans. When I am not connected with other humans, I have to rely on my current self-assessment to determine if those things are true or not. History has taught me, and most of us, that our inner narrative is typically either false or one of many parts of a whole self, not the actual whole person.

The problem with the statement, "You can't love anybody else unless you love yourself first." is that very few people, if any, can love themselves without experiencing love in their life. We need to feel love in order to love ourselves.  We have to actually know what love feels like in order to love ourselves. This is another reason why connection matters.  When we feel connected and have a sense of belonging, is much easier to love ourselves and others. Without feeling love, I can be a bit of a crapshoot....

This Sculpture Shows The Inner Child In Us – Love

We all have a little boy or little girl inside us, or both. Many people refer to this part of ourselves as the Inner Child. The term Inner Child gets used a lot these days, but what is the Inner Child? I like the description below. "The inner child lives in all of us; it is who we were before life happened to us. When the negative experiences of life happen in childhood, our inner child becomes fragmented. We disconnect from that vital aspect of ourselves and shove that part of our psyche down into the dark. As we grow up, the inner child is still very much alive, often dictating our responses to life. Those traumas that you experi...